i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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