this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
