First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
