Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
