My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
