she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
