i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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