I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
