i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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