my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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