There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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