I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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