I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
