I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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