A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
