There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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