Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
