What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
