I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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