Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
