Michael Bay diarrhea
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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