Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
