My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
