Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
