woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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