my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
