Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
