Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
