I could make wine with my vomit
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We are two peas in an std pod
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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