you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
