She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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