I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
