Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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