just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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