I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
