I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
