My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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