My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
