I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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