lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
