U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
