That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
