Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
