I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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