turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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