she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
