I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
