sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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