i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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