If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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