anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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