So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
