It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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