i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
50% drunk capacity currently
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
