remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize