Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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